Why Germans Work Fewer Hours But Produce More: A Study In Culture

When many Americans think of Germany, images of WWII soldiers and Hitler often come to mind. But what many people don’t realize is that Germany is the industrial powerhouse of Europe, and is a leading manufacturer of goods for export to developing Asian nations. We don’t hear about the superiority of German engineering in Volkswagen commercials for nothing!

The economic engine of the EU, Germany single-handedly saved the Eurozone from collapse in 2012. At the same time, German workers enjoy unparalleled worker protections and shorter working hours than most of their global counterparts. How can a country that works an average of 35 hours per week (with an average 24 paid vacation days to boot) maintain such a high level of productivity?

Working Hours Mean Working Hours

In German business culture, when an employee is at work, they should not be doing anything other than their work. Facebook, office gossip with co-workers, trolling Reddit for hours, and pulling up a fake spreadsheet when your boss walks by are socially unacceptable behaviors. Obviously, in the United States these behaviors are frowned up on by management. But in Germany, there is zero tolerance among peers for such frivolous activities.

In the BBC documentary “Make Me A German“,  a young German woman explained her culture shock while on a working exchange to the UK.

“I was in England for an exchange… I was in the office and the people are talking all the time about their private things… ‘What’s the plan for tonight?’, and all the time drinking coffee…”

She was quite surprised by the casual nature of British workers. Upon further discussion, the Germans reveal that Facebook is not allowed in the office whatsoever, and no private email is permitted.

Goal-Oriented, Direct Communication Is Valued

German business culture is one of intense focus and direct communication. While Americans tend to value small talk and maintaining an upbeat atmosphere, Germans rarely beat around the bush. German workers will directly speak to a manager about performance reviews, launch into a business meeting without any ‘icebreakers’, and use commanding language without softening the directives with polite phrases.Whereas an American would say, “It would be great if you could get this to me by 3pm,” a German would say, “I need this by 3pm”.

When a German is at work, they are focused and diligent, which in turn leads to higher productivity in a shorter period of time.

Germans Have a Life Outside Work

Germans work hard and play hard. Since the working day is focused on delivering efficient productivity, the off hours are truly off hours. Because of the focused atmosphere and formal environment of German businesses, employees don’t necessarily hang out together after work. Germans generally value a separation between private life and working life.

The German government is currently considering a ban on work-related emails after 6pm, to counter the accessibility that smartphones and constant connectivity give employers to their employees. Can you imagine President Obama enacting such a policy in the United States?

To occupy their plentiful Freizeit, most Germans are involved in Verein (clubs); regularly meeting others with shared interests in their community. Common interests in Germany include Sportvereine (sports clubs), Gesangvereine (choirs or singing clubs), Musikvereine(music clubs), Wandervereine (hiking clubs), Tierzuchtvereine (animal breeding clubs – generally rabbits/pigeons) and collectors’ clubs of all stripes. Even the smallest village in Germany will have several active Vereinen to accommodate residents’ interests. Rather than settling in for a night of TV after work, most Germans socialize with others in their community and cultivate themselves as people.

Germans also enjoy a high number of paid vacation days, with many salaried employees receiving 25-30 paid days (the law requires 20). Extended holidays mean families can enjoy up to a month together, renting an apartment by the seaside or taking a long trip to a new, exciting city.

Business Respects Parenthood

Germany’s system of Elternzeit (“parent time” or parental leave) is the stuff of fantasy for most working Americans. The United States does not currently have laws requiring maternity leave, while Germany has some of the most extensive parental protection policies in the developed world. The downside of these maternity leave benefits is that employers may avoid hiring women (with the fear that they will take advantage of the extensive benefits), and German boardrooms are consistently male-dominated at a higher rate than other developed nations, although the government is working to eradicate this trend. The financial benefits of staying home (from both Elternzeitand Elterngeld or parents’ money programs) are often too good to pass up for German mothers, and can lead to stagnant or non-existent careers.

Since “at will” employment does not exist in Germany, all employees have contracts with their employer. Parents who have been gainfully employed for the previous 12 months are eligible for Elternzeit benefits, which include up to three years of unpaid leave with a “sleeping” contract. The employee is eligible to work part-time up to 30 hours while on leave, and must be offered full-time employment at the conclusion of the parental leave. Parents may also choose to postpone up to one year of their leave until the child’s 8th birthday. Either parent is eligible for parental leave, and many couples make the choice based on financial considerations.

In addition to the preservation of the employee’s contract, the state will pay up 67% of the employee’s salary (with a cap of 1800 Euros per month) for 14 months. Parents may split the 14 months however they choose. These benefits apply equally to same-sex couples.

Have you picked your jaw up off the floor yet?

Put Some German In Your Office

The German work culture is very different from the average American office, but there are certainly lessons to be learned from our German counterparts. The diligent focus Germans bring to their working life is to be admired. Separating work from play can help us lead a more balanced life; putting the phone down after hours gives us a mental break from stressing about work, and we can return to the office refreshed in the morning. When it’s time to get something done, closing Facebook and turning off push notifications helps keep our minds quiet and the flow steady. Direct conversation can lead to increased efficiency, and more clarity of communication among team members.

Americans often equate longer hours with increased production and superior work ethic, but examining the German model makes one wonder: When it comes to time at work, maybe less really is more!

St. Valentine’s Story

Let me introduce myself. My name is Valentine. I lived in Rome during the third century. That was long, long ago! At that time, Rome was ruled by an Emperor named Claudius. I didn’t like Emperor Claudius, and I wasn’t the only one! A lot of people shared my feelings.

Claudius wanted to have a big army. He expected men to volunteer to join. Many men just did not want to fight in wars. They did not want to leave their wives and families. As you might have guessed, not many men signed up. This made Claudius furious. So what happened? He had a crazy idea. He thought that if men were not married, they would not mind joining the army. So Claudius decided not to allow any more marriages. Young people thought his new law was cruel. I thought it was preposterous! I certainly wasn’t going to support that law!

Did I mention that I was a priest? One of my favorite activities was to marry couples. Even after Emperor Claudius passed his law, I kept on performing marriage ceremonies — secretly, of course. It was really quite exciting. Imagine a small candlelit room with only the bride and groom and myself. We would whisper the words of the ceremony, listening all the while for the steps of soldiers.

One night, we did hear footsteps. It was scary! Thank goodness the couple I was marrying escaped in time. I was caught. (Not quite as light on my feet as I used to be, I guess.) I was thrown in jail and told that my punishment was death.

I tried to stay cheerful. And do you know what? Wonderful things happened. Many young people came to the jail to visit me. They threw flowers and notes up to my window. They wanted me to know that they, too, believed in love.

One of these young people was the daughter of the prison guard. Her father allowed her to visit me in the cell. Sometimes we would sit and talk for hours. She helped me to keep my spirits up. She agreed that I did the right thing by ignoring the Emperor and going ahead with the secret marriages. On the day I was to die, I left my friend a little note thanking her for her friendship and loyalty. I signed it, “Love from your Valentine.”

I believe that note started the custom of exchanging love messages on Valentine’s Day. It was written on the day I died, February 14, 269 A.D. Now, every year on this day, people remember. But most importantly, they think about love and friendship. And when they think of Emperor Claudius, they remember how he tried to stand in the way of love, and they laugh — because they know that love can’t be beaten!

What Is Love & Married

A student asks a teacher, “What is love?” The teacher said, “in order to answer your question, go to the wheat field and choose the biggest wheat and come back. But the rule is: you can go through them only once and cannot turn back to pick.”

The student went to the field, go through first row, he saw one big wheat, but he wonders….maybe there is a bigger one later. Then he saw another bigger one… But maybe there is an even bigger one waiting for him.

Later, when he finished more than half of the wheat field, he start to realize that the wheat is not as big as the previous one he saw, he know he has missed the biggest one, and he regretted. So, he ended up went back to the teacher with empty hand. The teacher told him, “…this is love…  You keep looking for a better one, but when later…

“What is marriage then?” the student asked. The teacher said, “in order to answer your question, go to the corn field and choose the biggest corn and come back. But the rule is: you can go through them only once and cannot turn back to pick.”

The student went to the corn field, this time he is careful not to repeat the previous mistake, when he reach the middle of the field, he has picked one medium corn that he feel satisfy, and come back to the teacher.

The teacher told him, “This time you bring back a corn…. You look for one that is just nice, and you have faith and believe this is the best one you get…. This is marriage.

(Dedicated to someone who ever fill my heart…)

KISAH SARANG BURUNG

Seorang pria berdiri disisi jalan dengan sebuah kandang burung yang sangat besar. Seorang anak lelaki muda memperhatikan bahwa kandang tersebut penuh dengan banyak burung berbagai jenis. “Darimana anda mendapatkan semua burung itu?” tanyanya.

“Oh, dari semua tempat”, pria itu menjawab. “Saya pikat mereka dengan remah-remah, berpura-2 saya adalah teman mereka lalu ketika mereka mendekat, saya jaring mereka dan memasukkan mereka kedalam kandang saya”.

“Dan apa yang akan anda lakukan dengan mereka sekarang?” Pria itu menyeringai, “Saya akan menjorok mereka dengan stik-stik dan membuat mereka sangat marah hingga mereka bertengkar dan saling membunuh satu sama lain. Semua yang bertahan, saya akan bunuh, tak ada yang akan selamat”.

Anak laki-laki itu melihat terus menerus kepada sang pria. Apa yang membuat dia seperti ini? Ia melihat kepada 2 bola mata yang kejam dan tajam, lalu ia melihat kepada burung-burung dikandang tanpa pertahanan, tanpa harapan.

“Bisakan saya membeli burung-burung tersebut?” anak laki-laki itu bertanya.

Pria tersebut seperti menyembunyikan sebuah senyuman, meyakini bahwa ia bisa bermain bagus jika ia mempermainkan kartunya dengan baik. “Baiklah” ia menjawab agak ragu. “Kandang ini sendiri sudah cukup mahal dan saya sudah menghabiskan banyak waktu mengkoleksi burung-burung itu, saya mengatakan kepada kamu apa yang akan saya lakukan, saya akan memberikan kepada anda kapling tempat kandangnya, burung-burungnya, kandangnya dan semuanya untuk sepuluh pound dan jaket yang sedang kamu kenakan”.

Anak lelaki itu terdiam sejenak, sepuluh pound sudah semua yang dia miliki dan jaketnya itu masih baru dan sangat special, kenyataan itu adalah miliknya yang paling berharga. Dengan lambat dia mengeluarkan sepuluh pound dan mengulurkannya, lalu dengan lebih lambat lagi dia mencopot jaketnya, melihatnya sebentar lalu mengulurkan jaket itu juga. Lalu dia membuka pintu dan membiarkan bururng-burung itu bebas.

Musuh dari dunia ini, setan, berada dipinggir jalan kehidupan dengan sebuah kandang yang sangat besar sekali. Pria yang mendatangi dia memperlihatkan bahwa itu penuh berjejalan dengan orang-orang dari berbagai tipe, muda, tua, dari beragam ras dan bangsa. “Darimana anda mendapatkan semua orang ini?” pria itu bertanya. “Oh dari berbagai penjuru dunia,” jawab setan. “Saya goda mereka dengan minuman, obat-obatan, nafsu, kebohongan, amarah, kebencian, cinta akan uang dan semua perilaku buruk. Saya berpura-pura bahwa saya adalah teman mereka, keluar untuk memberikan waktu yang menyenangkan, lalu saya jerat, setanpun menyeringai. “Saya akan menyodok mereka, memprovokasi mereka, membuat mereka saling membenci dan menghancurkan satu sama lain, saya akan memegang kendali atas kebencian rasial, menentang hukum dan peraturan yang ada, saya membuat orang menjadi bosan, sendirian, tidak merasa puas, bingung dan kurang istirahat. Itu sangat mudah. Orang akan selalu mendengar apa yang akan saya tawarkan kepada mereka dan (yang lebih baik lagi) menyalahkan Tuhan akan apa yang menimpa mereka”.

“Lalu apa lagi?” Tanya pria itu bertanya. “Bagi yang tidak menghancurkan diri mereka sendiri, akan saya hancurkan. Tak akan ada yang terlewati dari saya” pria itu melangkah maju, “Bisakah saya membeli orang-orang itu darimu?” tanyanya. Setan menggertak, “Ya tetapi itu akan membuat anda membayar dengan hidup anda”.

Maka Yeses Kristus, Putra Allah, telah membayar untuk pembebasanmu, kebebasanmu dari jeratan setan, dengan hidupNya sendiri, disalib di Kalvari. Pintu telah terbuka dan siapapun yang setan tipu dan tangkap dapat terbebaskan.

RENUNGAN TENTANG CINTA – ARTI MEMILIKI

Pacaran itu suatu hal yang mengesankan dan harus dipertahankan jika memang udah sepadan. Seperti kata-kata berikut, Cinta tak pernah akan begitu indah, jika tanpa persahabatan…..yang satu selalu menjadi penyebab yang lain dan prosesnya…adalah irreversible……

Seorang pecinta yang terbaik adalah sahabat yang terhebat. Jika kamu mencintai seseorang, jangan berharap bahwa seseorang itu akan mencintai kamu persis sebaliknya dalam kapasitas yang sama.

Satu diantara kalian akan memberikan lebih, yang lain akan dirasa kurang……….. Begitu juga dalam kasus, kamu yang mencari, dan yang lain akan menanti……

Jangan pernah takut untuk jatuh cinta…. mungkin akan begitu menyakitkan, dan mungkin akan menyebabkan kamu sakit dan menderita….. Tapi jika kamu tidak mengikuti kata hati, pada akhirnya kamu akan menangis…….jauh lebih pedih… karena saat itu kamu menyadari bahwa kamu, tidak pernah memberi….cinta dan kesempatan untuk belajar.

Cinta bukan sekedar perasaan, tapi sebuah komitmen…. Perasaan bisa datang dan pergi begitu saja……

Cinta tak harus berakhir bahagia….. karena cinta tidak harus berakhir….. Cinta sejati mendengar apa yang tidak dikatakan…. dan mengerti apa yang tidak dijelaskan, sebab cinta tidak datang dari bibir dan lidah atau pikiran……… melainkan dari HATI yang terdalam.

Ketika kamu mencintai, kamu tidak mengharapkan apapun sebagai imbalan, Karena jika  demikian, kamu bukan mencintai, melainkan…..investasi.

Jika kamu mencintai, kamu harus siap untuk menerima penderitaan. Karena jika kamu mengharap kebahagiaan,kamu bukan mencintai….melainkan memanfaatkan.

Lebih baik kehilangan harga diri dan egomu bersama seseorang yang kamu cintai dari pada kehilangan seseorang yang kamu cintai, karena  egomu yang tak berguna itu……..

Bagaimana kamu akan berkata ” SELAMAT TINGGAL “…. kepada seseorang yang tidak pernah kamu miliki????????!!!!!!!  Kenapa tetes air mata jatuh demi seseorang yang tidak pernah menjadi kepunyaanmu ?????

Sangat sulit bagi dua orang yang mencintai satu sama lain ketika mereka tinggal dalam dua dunia yang berbeda……….

Tapi ketika kedua dunia ini melebur dan menjadi satu, itulah yang disebut KEAJAIBAN !!!!!

Jangan mencintai seseorang seperti bunga,karena bunga mati kala musim berganti, Cintailah mereka seperti sungai, sebab Sungai mengalir selamanya……..

Cinta mungkin akan meninggalkan hatimu bagaikan kepingan-kepingan kaca, tapi tancapkan dalam pikiranmu, bahwa Ada seseorang yang akan bersedia untuk menambal lukamu dengan mengumpulkan kembali pecahan2 kaca itu…..

Sehingga kamu akan menjadi utuh kembali……

IF LOVE COULD THINK USING YOUR MIND 2GUIDE YOUR HEART

Today was read article in woman magazine this article say it’s not easy to see positive thing from our BF / GF when they annoying. Even if they’re a great person, really uncomfortable / pleasant if there’s they behavior make you annoyed. They said, believe it or not, they annoying behaviors actually could change become quality which make you more care & love him. How? Use smart strategy. Let’s do & prove their theory.

I remember, things that you feel bad from them in fact have positive things. Knowing positive part from your BF / GF bad part make you feel happier with them. And it can make your relationship healthier. Also, once you can handle / surpass his annoying action, would be easier for you to do the same for the next.

Ok let’s prove it & let’s see what happen next. (This is just example, you can fill in with your own BF’s / GF’s  annoyed behavior)

1. They Annoyed Behavior : He can’t express his feelings

Positive Part : He’s more logic and calm. I have place to express my emotion!

Use / Advantage : He’s response / opinion not from emotional reaction. This is making we have good / healthy discussion.

2. They Annoyed Behavior : Sometime i lost contact with him.         

Positive Part : He is not possessive person, fully trust me. I can focus to do my activity or others.

Use / Advantage : I have more own time for my self, I could learn to control my longing to him, being wiser.

3. They Annoyed Behavior : He just carefulness / attentiveness only when just both of us. I feel he didn’t care about me when i’m not with me when I’m not with him or sometime in front of his friends.

Positive Part : I could teach him how to pleasing woman not just in bed but in feeling too.                                                                                                                                                

Use / Advantage : We could learn to complete / fill up each other.

4. They Annoyed Behavior : He is super relax, too much, always last minute. Just spending, time mostly for DVD and sleeping at home.

Positive Part : He’s family guy, trusted, and very enjoyed the time when he with me.

Use / Advantage : Because of his strong character he will always beside me when I need

That’s the way he is.  Love quote: if you want to make his annoying behavior better, try to always talk about his positive / good part not his weakness / bad part.

Chatting Picu Perselingkuhan?

Hadirnya internet ternyata tidak hanya memudahkan orang mencari informasi penting untuk pekerjaannya. Tetapi akses internet juga bisa dimanfaatkan dengan adanya fasilitas chatting untuk memperoleh hiburan lain dari lawan jenis yang bukan pasangannya.

Internet sepertinya akan menjadi salah satu bentuk umum ketidak setiaan, atau bahkan sudah. Sebelumnya tidak pernah seorang lelaki atau perempuan yang sudah menikah/punya pacar menemukan kencan atau teman selingkuh semudah ini.

Getaran Seksual.

Chat room ataupun situs pertemanan seperti Facebook, WAYN, Tagged, dll sekarang telah menjadi salah satu penyebab tercepat retaknya hubungan suami-istri/ pasangan pacar. Masalah itu bisa menjadi lebih parah seiring dengan makin banyaknya orang yang online dan gemar chatting.

Dalam penelitian yang pernah saya dan temen2 lakukan diketahui ada beberapa lelaki dan perempuan yang menggunakan chat room/situs pertemanan sebagai tempat mencari teman. Ia mendapatkan bahwa kebanyakan orang yang chatting dengan partner yang sama lama-lama akan jatuh cinta padanya.

Rasa jatuh cinta itu tidak seperti jatuh cinta pada pasangannya, tapi ada sisi-sisi erotis bahwa mereka tidak saling tahu dan tidak ada rasa harus bertanggungjawab. Hal ini berarti bahwa banyak orang yang jatuh cinta karena bebasnya hubungan tersebut.

Saat berbicara di dunia maya, setiap orang bebas membicarakan apa saja tanpa harus dibebani rasa malu. Kebebasan tersebut tercipta karena mereka tidak harus bertemu secara langsung pada awal perkenalan mereka.

Penyebab utama saat seseorang mulai memasuki dunia maya adalah rasa jenuh. Karena pasangan yang tidak lagi bergairah secara seksual, pasangan tidak menarik, muncul keinginan untuk mencoba sesuatu yang berbeda atau hanya sekedar main-main.

Alasan utama yang diutarakan para lelaki adalah tidak harmonisnya kehidupan seksual dalam perkawinan mereka. Banyak diantaranya mengatakan bahwa istri mereka terlalu disibukkan dengan urusan anak-anak sehingga tidak lagi tertarik untuk melakukan hubungan seksual.

Dari Virtual Menjadi Kenyataan.

Berdasar penelitian tersebut, ternyata chatting pertemanan seringkali menjadi hubungan yang lebih serius. Hampir sepertiga dari responden mengaku pernah menemui teman kencannya. Di antara mereka yang melakukan pertemuan tersebut, hampir seluruhnya berakhir dengan perselingkuhan sungguhan.

Dengan kondisi tersebut, tidak heran bila aktivitas seksual online merupakan penyebab utama dalam masalah perkawinan di masa mendatang. Banyak masalah yang berawal dari kegenitan online, dan berakhir pada perceraian. Jadi berhati-hatilah! Jika anda ingin tetap mempertahankan hubungan rumahtangga/ pacar anda, sebaiknya hentikan berkunjung ke dunia maya ini. Kecuali bila memang anda benar-benar punya komitmen.

By  dr. Herry A. Purwanto

What Women Want From Men

Today’s women have achieved more than their great grandmothers could have ever imagined. Women are in politics, women are in space; women are excelling in every career imaginable. Women today are strong, independent and sexually liberated; Gloria Steinem would be proud.

Despite the females social evolution, however, you may be surprised to learn that women actually still enjoy being treated like women, and they still appreciate a little chivalry now and then. Cliche as some of these tips sound, they will score you big points with any lady who enjoys being treated well.

The following is a list of what women want from men.

What women want…

Return her messages

Many women gauge a man’s interest level by how long it takes him to respond when she contacts him. If his response time is poor, she might assume he’s just not that into her. Now, it’s no secret that women and men have differing opinions on what constitutes good communication, and we’re not saying you need to drop everything the minute she calls. She knows you’re a busy man; she’s busy too. What women want from men is a call back as soon as they’re able, as opposed to sometime the following day. This doesn’t mean you have to send an e-mail or a text of epic proportions if you don’t have time; a sentence or two will suffice to make her feel like you care — which is all she really wants to know.

Kiss her for no reason

As much as they love sex, women also enjoy a nice, deep kiss that doesn’t have any strings attached. This serves two purposes: It lets her indulge in kissing for the sheer pleasure of it, and it also tells her you want her, and not just sex. Yes, you’re charming and sexy and she loves being naughty for you, but sometimes she needs a different type of connection. To really do what women want from men, try a surprise kiss for no reason at all; she’ll love you for it. Combine this with a little hand-holding and she’ll be smiling for days.

Dance with her

Simply put, dancing with a woman makes her feel special. Unfortunately, most men are reluctant to put their dancing shoes on, especially in a public setting. Guess what? While she’d probably welcome the idea, you don’t need to visit a nightclub to dance with your woman. She’ll be just as thrilled if you slipped a little Marvin Gaye on and danced with her in the living room. This would actually be to your advantage, as you have total control over the music. You’re also conveniently located if the dancing starts to get dirty…

Dress up for her

Dressing up to take your woman out is an excellent way to impress her. It’s not about the clothes; it’s about the fact that you find her worth dressing up for. It lets her know that you think she’s worth that kind of effort. Besides, a nice shirt and dress pants can increase your sex appeal by leaps and bounds; you may feel overdressed, but your hotness factor will have magnified exponentially. It’s true what they say: Women really do love a sharp-dressed man.

Remember random milestones

As a rule, birthdays and anniversaries should always be remembered; forgetting something of this magnitude will send the message that you don’t find her terribly important. After all, she probably memorized yours early on in the relationship, so if hers goes unnoticed, she’ll be utterly heartbroken. Here’s how to do what women want from men: To truly impress her, aim to remember the insignificant dates, as well as the big ones. The first time you told her you loved her, the first time you kissed, the first place you vacationed together, what she was wearing the first time you met — any one of these will turn her to jelly and score you more bonus points than you can shake a stick at.

Take on an activity with her

What women want from men is to spend time with their man outside of the bedroom. They want to experience life with their man, and this is one of the best ways to develop a three-dimensional relationship. Don’t worry; we’re not recommending you join her yoga class; rock-climbing, hiking, tennis or cycling are activities both of you can enjoy. If neither of you are the sporty type, try something else that you already excel at. Teach her how to swing a 9-iron or to shoot pool — she’ll love the personalized attention.

Propose a visit to her family

Women love it when a man gets along with her friends, but she simply adores it when he gets along with her family. Even if you’re not particularly fond of her busybody mother and father, suggesting a visit (even just a yearly one) can really make your woman’s day. It lets her know you recognize the importance of family. This is truly the kind of suggestion that leads to a warm and fuzzy feeling, so don’t be afraid to suggest it.

It’s the little things…

When it comes to what women want from men, the little things really do matter. The items on this list aren’t particularly difficult or time-consuming, but they are, unfortunately, very often overlooked by men. This often leads a woman to feel neglected, which in turn nagging to nagging and other problems. Make her feel special, and she’ll go to the ends of the earth for you; try one of these suggestions, and she’ll feel like you’ve already gone there and back for her.

What Women Really Mean…

I hope you’re sitting down… because what I’m about to share with you will change how you view women and dating. I’m about to take you “behind the scenes” in the female mind. I’m going to give you a perspective that most men never see or realize.

Unfortunately for most guys, not seeing things the way I’m about to share with you keeps them trapped in their own little world of failure. If you pay careful attention to the things I’m about to reveal to you, you’ll definitely have more success with women.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WORDS AND THE REAL WORLD…

Have you ever heard a woman say something like:
“I want a guy who is sensitive.”
“I want a guy who’s in touch with his feelings.”
“I want a guy who’s a good communicator.”
“I want a guy who is strong.”
“I want a guy who is sexy.”
…?

Of course you have. Women say this stuff all the time. One of my favourites is:
“I want a REAL MAN.” I love that one.

In the past, when I’d hear women say “I want a REAL MAN” I had NO IDEA what the hell they were talking about. It almost didn’t make sense. But keep in mind; even though these things don’t always make sense to us guys, they make PERFECT sense to women. Here’s the problem…

When a woman says one of these things, she actually MEANS something that is different from what a guy would mean if he said the same words.

Let me explain.
If a guy says “I’m going to stay home and relax today”, he probably means that he’s going to stay home, watch some sports, drink a beer, look at pictures of women on the internet, and order a pizza.

If a WOMAN says that she’s going to stay home and relax, she’s probably NOT going to watch some sports, drink a beer, look at pictures of women on the internet, and order a pizza.

IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are reading this right now and you are a woman who watches sports, drinks beer, looks at pictures of the women on the internet, and orders pizza to relax, then contact me immediately at the email address below. And send pictures. Back to what I was saying…

Women are DIFFERENT from men. And the words they use often don’t mean what they SOUND like they mean. So the FIRST thing that you have to get through your head is that just because a woman SAYS something to you doesn’t mean that it means what you THINK it means. Catch my meaning?

THE BIG SECRET SHE ISN’T TELLING YOU

There’s a little secret that women never happen to mention when they’re describing what they want in a man. Unfortunately for all of us good guys who are trying to be what women want… and hoping that if we try hard enough to please women that they’ll like us… this little secret is causing us a LOT of trouble. The SECRET is that women ONLY want the things that they’re asking for from a guy who already has about 100 other qualities that they never mention.

In other words, if a woman says “I want a man who is a good communicator”, what she REALLY means is: “I want a guy who already has his life together, is interesting, unpredictable, dominant, funny, healthy, charismatic, confident, and loyal… who is ALSO a good communicator.” The REALITY is that when a woman says one of these “I want a guy who” statements, she actually has an IDEAL guy in mind, who ALSO happens to be a good communicator.

She’s NOT imagining Homer Simpson sitting on his couch reading a book on communication. The reality of this situation is that what women REALLY want is a man who makes them feel the emotional and physical response that I like to call ATTRACTION. They want a man who makes them FEEL IT. But most women either can’t describe the things that actually make her feel ATTRACTION, or they don’t WANT to have to describe them, because they want a man who already IS those things… without having to learn them.

Think about it.

If you were hiring a bodyguard, would you want one that said “Yea, I can be a bodyguard. Just give me some time to learn…” or would you want one that already KNEW how to kick ass anytime, anywhere without having to learn?

Duh.

Well same goes with women. They don’t WANT a guy that they have to train. If you don’t already have the UNIVERSAL FOUNDATION of what attracts women, then no amount of changing and improving things like your communication and sensitivity is going to help you.

WHAT IS A REAL MAN?

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the idea of a “Real Man”. You hear both women and men using the term. But what does it actually MEAN? And is it important?

Well, after thinking about this particular topic for a long time, I’ve come to the conclusion that it is a VERY important topic. At this point, I believe that a REAL MAN is this “ideal” that women imagine when they’re saying “I want a guy who is sensitive”. They’re thinking of the REAL MAN, and then they’re imagining him ALSO being sensitive. There are a lot of aspects to this REAL MAN. Here are a few that are important:

-Status
-Lack of Insecurities
-Standards
-Experience
-Humor
-Unpredictability
-Leadership
-Challenge
…and the list goes on.

It’s actually not easy to describe a REAL MAN in a few sentences… but I’ll tell you what… a woman can recognize one INSTANTLY.

THE MISTAKE MEN MAKE

Now, a common mistake that men make is taking something that a woman SAYS that she wants, and doing it TOO MUCH, thinking that if “A little bit is good, then more must be better”. For instance, a woman SAYS that she likes guys who are “thoughtful”. So you go out and buy her a bunch of gifts, and give her cute cards every time you see her, and call her all the time to tell her that you miss her.

What happens? She leaves you for her jerk ex-boyfriend.

Huh?

This would be kind of like a woman saying “My favorite food is chocolate” and then you thinking it would be good to feed her chocolate for every meal just because it’s her favorite… or adding chocolate to every single dish you make for her from now on… and forgetting that 97% of what she eats still needs to be OTHER FOODS.

Let me land the plane for you.

Women don’t MEAN what you THINK they mean when they talk about what they want in a man. And if you take the things women say too literally, you’re going to wind up shooting yourself in the foot.

WHAT WOMEN REALLY MEAN…

So let me “decode” what women “really” mean when they say common things. Consider this your own personal “female language translator”. Refer to it often.

WHEN A WOMAN SAYS…
“I want a guy who is sensitive.”

WHAT SHE REALLY MEANS IS…
“I want a guy who is busy doing his own thing in life, who has goals and objectives… who has passion for things. If we’re out together, he always keeps me on my toes, and I’m always wondering what’s going to happen next. He’s challenging, interesting, and funny. I would really like it if he was also sensitive enough to know when I need a hug, or to be held, or when I want him to make love to me.” Does this make sense?

Again, she’s not imagining a picture of a boring, predictable, Wussy who is sharing his hurt feelings because he’s so “sensitive”. Big difference.

WHEN A WOMAN SAYS…
“I want a guy who is in touch with his feelings.”

WHAT SHE REALLY MEANS IS…
“I want a guy who is strong-willed, and who doesn’t get upset about petty things… a guy who can deal with the fact that I freak out emotionally sometimes… and who knows how to be cool when things are tough. But I also want him to be in touch with his feelings so that:
1) He doesn’t repress his emotions and then eventually kill 10 people in his workplace, and
2) When he’s intimate with me, and he feels a passionate rush… he’ll grab me and make love to me like a beast!”

What she’s NOT doing is making a picture of a meek, afraid guy who calls all the time to ask “Do you like me? Because I sure like you”.

WHEN A WOMAN SAYS:
“I want a guy who’s a good communicator.”

WHAT SHE REALLY MEANS IS…
“I want a guy who doesn’t talk all the time, because he knows how to let me know what’s on his mind without using words. I want the kind of guy that can touch me in a certain way and I feel tingles all over my body. And I want the kind of guy that can say things in a way that I understand… not crudely and man-like.”

WHAT ABOUT “SEXY”?

You’ll often hear women saying that they want a “Sexy Man”. Now, I USED to think that they meant that they wanted a PHYSICALLY ATTRACTIVE man when they said this. Sometimes this is exactly what they mean when they use the term “sexy”. But I’ve found that, most of the time, women mean something TOTALLY different when they use the term “sexy”.

You see, a woman generally bases more of her life around what she FEELS than a man does. And the concept of “sexy” is usually used to describe the way a man makes a woman FEEL than it is used to describe how HE LOOKS. Think about women’s romance novels for a moment. Women’s romance novels account for about a fifth of ALL BOOKS SOLD.

What do these books contain?
WORDS. Words that DESCRIBE things. Descriptions that make women FEEL things. My point: If you want to learn how to be a “sexy man”, then the way you LOOK isn’t the most IMPORTANT thing.

I’ll tell you something, too. Learning the secrets of being a “sexy man” can be a very rewarding experience. A lot of guys out there, including me, know EXACTLY what it’s like to be either on a date with, or in a relationship with a woman who has NO INTENTION of being with you “physically”. In other words, she’s just not feeling that powerful “sexual” ATTRACTION for you. And you don’t know how to MAKE her feel it. Well, let me tell you…

Just like all the other things that a woman “says” that she wants in a man… that most men don’t ever “get”, being SEXY is one of the BIG ONES. If you understand the secrets of being SEXY, you will notice that women start to behave VERY differently around you.

What Women Look For

Women’s magazines slip us the kind of information that we wouldn’t find elsewhere; they reveal a female perspective that most men just aren’t privy to. How they read into our behaviour, how they perceive our actions, what their true expectations are… there’s plenty to be learned from a glimpse into the other side.

I will be providing you with just this kind of gender intelligence — without the embarrassment that comes with retrieving it from your girlfriend’s magazine rack. I’ll be publishing a series of features from iVillage.com; articles originally written by women for women, but with insight that’s invaluable to men. Of course, in exchange, I had to offer up some intelligence of our own… all the more reason for you to get on the inside track as soon as you can.

Good guys

Many women believe that all the good guys are taken, but you know that’s simply not true. iVillage.com is telling women exactly how to spot a great guy, so you best read on to see what qualities she’s looking for in her dream man.

Finding Mr. Right

We all want to find a great guy. But let’s face it: How many of your exes seemed fantastic at first, only for you to find out that they were Mr. Wrongs? Well, no more bad boys, mama’s boys or anything of the sort! Dr. Bethany Marshall shares her shopping list for a healthy man in this excerpt from her book, Deal Breakers.

When you first meet a man, whether it’s online, at the grocery store, at a bar, at school or at your job, you should feel that he wants you.

It may be conveyed by a look, a touch, a compliment, curiosity or attention to detail. And it must, within a short amount of time, be conveyed in person — not online, through a text message or on the phone. And definitely, it should be backed up by his willingness to make a plan and move the relationship forward. If he’s not interested enough to call in advance and make a plan, he’s not interested enough to invest his emotions in a relationship. Conversely, constant calling, e-mailing and text-messaging is not true contact. He cannot touch you, see you, adore you or get to know you through words on a screen or over the phone.

Soon after meeting him, you should discover that he has appropriately achieved in at least one area of his life.

For instance, if he went to college he now has a good job. Or a decent car. If he inherited his parents’ business, he has learned how to successfully manage it. Or if he is a member of a baseball team, he has learned to become a team player. His efforts continue to generate new opportunities, new skills, new challenges, or new possessions. Thus, he is progressing and not degenerating.

If he’s a healthy man, he will never make plans for the future that he does not intend to back up.

And he will certainly not say, “I’m not sure where this relationship is going,” and then continue to call you and have sex with you. He will not send messages that are confusing and difficult to decipher. A healthy man says what he means and means what he says. And the words that he speaks are backed up by action that coincides. Even if he cannot give a guarantee, the relationship is always moving forward. Thus, you will never find yourself drunk-dialing at two in the morning because you fear that he is out with another girl. Or find yourself in a situation where he claims to want to get married , but you are the only one who is planning the wedding and paying for the caterer.

If you are in the right relationship, it will feel reciprocal and mutual.

When you offer emotional support, is he appreciative? Does he give back by surprising you with a special little something? Or remembering your favourite drink? Do you feel that what he gives is as valuable and meaningful as what you offer? For instance, if you set aside a Saturday night, will he make an entertainment plan that is enjoyable for both of you? If your car breaks down, will he come and get you? If you have a problem, will he help you? Is he as devoted to you as you are to him? Healthy relationships are based upon mutual give-and-take. And what is given and received should feel of equal value. If the only thing that you are getting out of this relationship is text messages or e-mails, occasional plans or the assurance that you won’t be alone on a Saturday night, you are not getting what you need.

If he’s the right guy for you, he will have good friends and you will like who he is when he’s with them.

Whether he’s at the bar, at a tailgate party or running for political office, you are confident that he is the man you know and love, both with you or apart from you. When he’s out of sight, he does not turn into somebody else. For instance, a player. Or a jerk. Conversely, when you include him with your friends, you know who he will be: charming and engaging, enhancing instead of detracting.

If he’s a healthy man, he will like you for who you are.

Even if you have a bad day or say something that he does not like, his adoration will remain steady and his view of you will remain the same. Beware of the guy whose perception changes whenever you deviate from his expectations. For instance, you dress a certain way and he refuses to hold you or compliment you. Or you gain weight and he stops having sex with you. Does he take pleasure in you, whether you look sexy in your low-rider jeans or have just gotten out of bed? Does he spend time with your family because he knows that you are a part of them? Is he interested in your spirituality? Or do you feel that you must suppress your personality in order to hold on to his approval? Even when it comes to your sexual preferences, you should feel free to reveal yourself without fear of losing his affection.

A healthy man will never view you as unconditionally bad or make you feel terrible about yourself.

Even in the midst of an argument, he will be able to see both the good and the bad in you. For instance, he will not stay mad at you once the argument is over. And he will move on instead of clinging to bad feelings or suspicions. He loves you and sees you as a good person, no matter what. And he would never refuse to call, refuse to be nice, or walk out the door without quickly returning simply because you shared your concerns with him.

A healthy man has a learning curve.

For instance, if you tell him that you need more time together or need him to stop doing something that is obnoxious, he will shift his behavior because he loves you and does not want to lose you. He is willing to learn from his mistakes and modify his actions. For instance, if he begins a friendship with a flirtatious girl and you let him know that this is creating a problem, he will be concerned about your feelings and come up with a solution. When you discuss relationship obstacles, he works on them. He would never admit to a substance abuse problem and then refuse to address it. Or agree to appropriately separate from his mother (who dislikes you), but then go running back to the nest.

If he is healthy, he will seek his own solutions.

For instance, if he has a problem, he will reach out to others for help, find resources, have a conversation, go to therapy, attend a 12-step program — anything that will move him closer to making the changes that he needs to make. (You could do worse than give him this book. No, wait — make him buy his own damn copy!) Petty pride, laziness or stubbornness will not keep him from taking the steps that he needs to take to have a full relationship with you.

A healthy man will not try to have power over you.

He won’t leave you wondering where he is and what he is doing. Or leave you hanging just to prove a point. Or make you feel that you have to disappear for a few days to recover the power you once had. Even if he has more money, status and power, he will not make you feel that you would be nothing without him. A healthy man is willing to take you into account instead of pushing you away. He is willing to listen, meet your needs, and include you in mutual decision-making. Because you matter, he does not want to have undue influence or control over you. And he can trust that he is loved, even when he is not in charge. When it comes to who takes care of whom, and who makes the decisions, and who gets the last say, he is willing to negotiate (because, really, all of life is a little like Let’s Make a Deal).